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Tuesday, March 22, 2005

To my Grandmother...

I would like to dedicate this post to my grandmother who passed away quietly yesterday - the 21st of March . Her health had been in decline for the past few months before this happened.

One thing that has really kept me thinking is the Shivo case. Why? Because, like Shivo my grandmother was kept from eating and essentially starved to death. But, in this case she was going to die anyway...eventually. She had been choking on her food and was in such poor physical condition that if they would have operated on her(I guess to do something about the choking and the liquid accumulating in her lungs) she would not have survived. So, my grandfather was advised to do the humane thing. Instead of slicing her up only to have her die on the operating table, they opted not to operate and to forgo the feeding tube and have her die naturally.

Now, I've been troubled by her death - thinking of the wierdness of it all. It wasn't sudden( I knew last week that she would die very soon), and it was intentional(no feeding tube either meant she eat and choke to death - not pleasant- or she be given drugs to calm her and to let her starve). I feel strangely dirty. I feel guilty somehow. It wasn't natural. So, I've been thinking about this Shivo case so much since I was told a week ago what was going to be done and what was going to happen. And, now since she died I find myself thinking about it even more. The thing is, I feel dirty and shameful about the way it happened, but I know it was the only way and that it was right. And with the Shivo case, I know that to some it seems wrong and it is on some levels, but if it was her wish to die upon entering this kind of condition - as is asserted by her husband - then she should not have that right taken away from her. AND As testimony from most medical doctors shows, there is not even the slightest possibilty that she is aware or that she could be rehabilitated after this long. It has been 15 years and she is still in the same state. No way anything is going to change that.

My Grandmother exhibited the same signs that she might be aware. She would smile and stare. However, I had no sense the last time I saw her that she was aware at all. It made me sad, but it was thee truth. Anyway, I started to talk about my grandmother and started to link the two. I guess I've been trying to justify the shivo case inorder to justify what happened to my grandmother. I am really torn up about this in many ways.

Anyway, The purpose of this post was to show respect for my grandmother in remembering her and not forgetting. So, to my Abuela I say,"I love you and miss you." I wish I had the chance to see her one more time.