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Tuesday, January 11, 2005

The 05.

Welcome to the flip side. The new ride. The Oh-Five.
Good bye '04. Fair thee well. It's all about there here and the new. I know I'm really late on this, but too bad. I'll celebrate when I feel like it. Happy New Year! Now, some realizations for a new year:

Realization #1: high school is torture after all.
--"Don't cheerleaders all over America form pyramids six to eight times a year? Is that torture?" Guy Womack asked a 10-member military jury in Fort Hood, Texas.
Yes, Guy. Yes it is.
Realization #2: You mean to tell me that some of those talking heads on the TV and radio have ulterior motives for providing their opinions? Sean Hannity might not have just the good of the nation on his mind? Rush might be checking his big fat bank account from the EIB Broadcast Center in his basement? Really? Downright shocking. Thank God there was Armstrong Williams, through who's actions we came to learn of disturbing practices involving the white house. Of course, it's an isolated case. The white house only paid one person. Ever. That's it. Nope, just one. Stop asking. Just Armstrong. It was a pilot program. It didn't work out. Oh well. Forget it. Besides:
Realization #3: Angelina Jolie stole Jennifer Aniston's man! Isn't this the more interesting story, anyway? My new favorite game: "Picture The Threesome!" Try it at home, kids. I promise you won't be disappointed.
(And after all that depressing Tsunami stuff, it's great to finally have some news with a little jiggle. The '05 is looking hot.)
Realization #4: Social Security is in real trouble. Like now, people! Apparently, unless we do something, the Social Security trust fund will become insolvent sometime after 2048! Oh my God, so soon? Drop that homelessness problem. Fuck curing cancer! We have to get on this right away. Thank God we have a man like George W. Bush at the helm, leading America with a bold plan to save this once proud program! Hurrah! Hurrah! Please sir, can I have another?!!? Hurrah! Hurrah!
Realization #5: I don't really like making lists. So I'm going to stop now.
Good Night All ...