This is not a joke...

I began writing this Friday afternoon at 4. I finished it up Saturday morning at 9:15. I apologize I did not proofread it.




FRIDAY
This morning at 5 I was awoken by the wondrous LPG and told that she needed to go to the hospital. Huh. What. The whoseeewhat? “The Hospital” she said with a whimper, “there’s something wrong, I’m having really bad pains”.

If you know me, you probably know that the last time I was in a hospital, I was being born. I’m not a big doctor fan. Which is why I tried subtly to convince her it was gas.
She was not having it, this was not gas, and we were going to the hospital. It’s a good thing one of us is smart.

We arrived at the emergency room around 6:00am. They took Leilani back to a room, and I waited. A little while later a nice nurse came and escorted me back to lei. She looked sad. Just very sad. They were going to have to give her a cat scan. They weren’t sure what was wrong with her, but they thought it might be a kidney stone. A little while later they came to get Leilani for the Catscan, the nurse told us once again it was probably just kidney stones, you have to watch out for that Florida water. 25 minutes later lei returned to the room. 10 minutes later the doctor came in. It’s not kidney stones. She’s not sure what it is, they want to do another CatScan, this time with her drinking the stuff that lights up all the way down.

Time now 11:40pm.

The nurse comes in and tells lei that usually they give this stuff with Apple juice, but they have know apple juice, and would I like to go and get something for her to mix it with. We all agree that this is a good idea. I head down to the snack machine area and purchase a 20oz mountain dew.



Back in the room the nurse mixes up a special potion, and Leilani drinks it down.

It’s now 12, and the nurse informs us they will be in to pick Leilani up for her catscan before 1.

At 1:08 Leilani violently vomits up everything she drank, plus anything she had in her stomach, plus some black thing no one could identify.

At 1:25 they come in for her second catscan.

She’s back in the room 20 minutes later. The doctor is back 10 minutes after that.

Summing up the doctor:
It seems you have diverticulitis, but we don’t see the pockets that are normally associated with it, so I would like to keep you in the hospital over night, maybe two nights. Put you on antibiotics and an IV.

Leilani is understandably not happy about this. We thought that at worst this was going to be a kidney stone. They had told us earlier they would be giving us a strainer, and sending us home (most likely). Plus, her aunt and cousin are in town, and they are all supposed to be heading up to Ft. Lauderdale in the morning to meet long lost relatives. Leilani bucks up quickly though, as the Russian doctor is not about to give her any sympathy, and agrees this would be the best course of action.

She gives me a list of items to retrieve from the apartment (socks, toothbrush, travel scrabble). I head home to pack up, fix my head, shower up, and maybe eat something.

Sooooooo.

I get back to the apartment and do my thing, in between talking to a million wonderful and concerned people on my way.

On my way back to the hospital, I get a call from Leilani. It seems the hospital nurse had just been in to see her, and she feels that something is not right. She talks to Leilani some, and then leaves (this is all guesswork, as I was not there), a few minutes later she’s back with the doctor to tell her that she may need emergency surgery. Apparently she may have a tear in her colon, they are taking her to see a surgeon who will decide what the next course of action is. I head back to the hospital as soon as I hear this.

Up until this point it has just been Leilani and I at the hospital.

When I enter her room this time, there is a surgeon mid sentence, leilani’s mom on one side of her in a chair, Leilani’s aunt on the other side, and her cousin Andrew sitting on the floor.

To sum up the surgeon:
You have diverticulitis. At some point last night, a little pocket in your colon exploded. Now we are going to need to do surgery to fix that. Now, we could do the surgery now, or we could a few days and see what happens. There are positives and negatives to both. It basically comes down to waiting, maybe feeling totally better in a few days, but still having to come in for surgery. Or, going in now and fixing it, which would require all sorts of shit, not the least of which is a colas tame bag, which she would need for 2 months.

Soooooooooooo…

Time now 6:30pm, Friday March 31st.

They get us a room in the hospital. I am going to try to spend the night in the hospital with Leilani, although supposedly it is against the rules. If she has no roommate, it’s no problem, if she does… We are in the room for 5 minutes when her roommate gets up and shits loudly and explosively into the little toilet walker thingy. A little while later her blind husband came to visit and walked into multiple walls. (now I know you’re judging me right now, and thinking, how could you let the man walk into multiple walls, and to that I have no defense, except every time he did it he made a funny comment… ”oh damn, oh damn, that’s not my wife”)

Visiting hours ended at 8:30. (On a side note, Prentice walked the blind man down to a cab) I was allowed to stay, our plan was taking shape.

At around 10:00pm the nurse came and told me that I could not stay in the room, but there was a room I could stay in, and she thought I would be more comfortable there anyway, since it had a couch.

I spent the night in a multi-purpose room, right under a six foot statue of Jesus. I swear to his father. The couch by the way was like six feet long, but some wise ass designer put Wood armrests right smack dab in the middle. I draped my legs over them. I woke up at some point and there were random people eating at a table literally a foot from my head.

SATURDAY
I woke up around 5am. I was pretty sure if I kept staring at Jesus, he was going to start to talk. At the very least, I thought the realistic looking blood in his palms might flow, but to my dismay, nothing. I passed back out for a little while, and around 6:30am made my way back to her room.

Leilani woke up again around 7:15am. She said she had been in and out most of the night. She had finally fallen asleep at some point, and then at 5am they came in to take blood, so much for that.

This morning they gave her some pain medication at around 8am, once she began to fall asleep, I headed back home.

Which is where I am now as I type this. Saturday morning, 9:18am.

So we are waiting to see how she does. She was still in pain this morning, but she had not gotten sick (high fever, etc), which is what they are looking for, I think…I don’t really know…

And before the comment section fills up with the question, no I did not tear her colon.